Musings

Last night the Indians were forced to play their home-opener in Milwaukee due to snow. Thus, the Cleveland Indians of Milwaukee beat the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Somewhere, Babe Ruth is wishing there was enough coke in hell snort away the embarrassment.

I just used hot-coco powder in lieu of coffee creamer at work. Conservatively, I would have to rate this as one of the top 5 ideas any human has ever had, ever.

In sheer boredom, I have been attempting to hack together some screenplays. In order to learn how it is done as well as directorial jargon, I have been reading screenplays already made into movies. I have come to the conclusion that a slightly shriveled left scrotum can write a Hollywood screenplay. Read Snakes on a Plane, you'll see what I mean.

As an addendum to my comment earlier about the coco-powder- Carmen Electra, noted genital war magnate, has started the "Naked Models Wrestling League" This ranks several spots above my coco- idea.

I was brain storming band names earlier. I wanted something that showed some sort of ancient philosophical paradox or historical allusion. My wife came up with "Archimedes Screw". This is why I love her.

Lastly, ask yourself this hypothetical question. If you were gay, and you were attracted to me, why wouldn't you tell me, just freakin tell me.

Kwai Gonn Jinn needs toilet paper

Curious observations about women:

1. Women are so in to arts and crafts, they even feel the creative compulsion in the restroom. Notice how they make oven mits out of toilet paper by circling their hands with the material several hundred times. If you don't believe me, make note of how much TP is in your roll before the next time a girl uses your bathroom, and see how much is left afterwards. Men can generally make due with 4-8 sheets, women's usage has to be measured in inches of circumference taken off of the roll.

2. Some, not all women, but some are consumed with perceptions of cleanliness. Not actual cleanliness I must add, just the perception of it. If you've ever witnessed the following phenomenon, you will know what I mean: When women move out of their apartments, some will actually clean before the cleaning crew gets there, so that the cleaning crew doesn't perceive them to be messy. Strangely, if you actually saw what that person's apartment looked like before the obligatory final cleaning, it would look similar to your own, messy, man-room.

3. Single women, under the age of 23, are incapable of being happy for other women. When one actually achieves a working, functional relationship, her friends will stare at her from afar at social settings the way men stare at their friend who skipped out on the bachelor party to go to the ballet with their girlfriend. The conversation will go something like this....
Girl 1: "Wow, he's really sticking with her.....even though her face is a little...unfortunate"
Girl 2: "Yeah but good for her though, did you hear he bought her a necklace for valentines day?"
Girl 3: "My ex did that, I found out later it was so he didn't feel as bad for cheating on me"
Girl 2: "Wow, you don't think he's cheating on her do you"
All Collectively: (Internalized thought) "God I hope so"

4. Women are aggregately better at school than we are. This is no joke, they really are. Imagine how much concentration you had when you were 14, you were home alone, and you were trying to crank one out before anyone got home. Multiply that intense concentration level by 5, and you have some idea of how focused they can be at school. While you and I are dreaming of guitar lines, who the cowboys will draft next or what we just saw on the history channel, they are whipping our asses at the books. Why? Because there are only a finite number of purses in the world to purchase, so attention inevitably falls to something else. The danger here is that our society has evolved such that academic pursuits are the main source for eventual success in the world. This is why I support a nuclear winter. We need to take things back to ground zero, so that he who throws the rock the hardest eats the eight legged dog. Otherwise, we are all doomed to be oblitherated as the species' dominant gender.

Harold and Kumar working(well one of us)

So I've found some interesting things about the working world. For example, I have to make the adjustment of knowing I'm talking to co-workers, and not friends who know and accept my dimensia. When someone asks me what my favorite color is, I can't reply "naked". This just weirds them out and furthers the rumor that I am Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. I should probably also stop calling Maggie on the speaker phone and saying things like "Maggie, it puts the lotion on its skin."
I also need to stop using the accents I keep thinking in my mind. My boss has never watched Family Guy, so he has no idea what the Stewie voice is or why I keep saying "yeahhh, thats the good stuff."
I also have to tell my friends to stop IMing me mid-day to tell me about their weekend whiskey-dick story. This is self explanatory.
Lastly, inside jokes must be curbed a bit. My friends and I play a game called "I would ______ in exchange for _______." The premise is to ask a person what they really want, then keep racheting up the price for said thing until they are forced to admit something incredibly embaressing. My favorite sofar has been a friend who admitted that in exchange for sex with Jessica Alba, he would go to an alternate dimension and rape himself. This of course begat the question "If you heard a knock on your door, and opened it to reveal your doppleganger holding a rope, would you acquiece gently, knowing what this was all about.
I love this game, but I have gone to the bathroom before only to come back and see one of these messages posted at the front of my screen. Sweet hell people, ask before you leave something like that.

...and we're back

well......i'm back at least.....i'm sure harold will be in soon enough........anyway.....here's the update: went to law school.....still jobless......moving on........

let's talk about sanjaya......i don't watch american idol....never have.....never will......but i was reading an indian blog that i like and saw this video:



wow......hunger strike? that's not at all offensive......this lady's myspace page is filled up with a ton of hateposts and of course many people are saying that this is just spurring them on to vote for this guy even more.....i'll tell you what......i'm getting all my tech support relatives in the motherland on the phone immediately......LONG LIVE SANJAYA!!!

next topic.....horns lost today......that crushes me........nuff said

next topic.....does it ever bother you when the news reports the results of a scientific study that is so completely obvious......."we now turn to a stunning breakthrough from the scientific community.....researchers at genius university are reporting that eating fruits and vegetables may help you live longer while ingesting heroin could be hazardous to your health.....more on that at 11....now back to you dan".......the whole "more on that at 11" could be a whole separate post itself..........anyway..........this article states that students with myspace/facebook accounts have lower grades....WHAT? i thought my kid had that new dual climate control brain where one half of his consciousness could comfortably and diligently focus on algebra equations while the other half could scour the internet for clever semi-pornographic pictures and videos to impress the buddies with.........oh well.........also......apart from the whole there are only so many hours in a day argument........wouldn't you also think that in general, kids with better socializing skills would have lower grades.......or rather kids with poor social skills would have better grades?

anyway....that's enough for now....

Earth Shattering News, and other news of note

Earth shattering news this weekend in the world of sports, Barry Bonds has been juicing it to beat the record. I didn't realize this before because I am both autistic and blind. I never saw him put on 60 lbs. In three days, and I actually thought it was possible to double your career best batting average.......when you were in your 40's! I hope you sense my sarcasm, because I've known all along. I don't know if it was the first time that he hit a ball and immediately crushed its atoms into a nuclear explosion, or when he replied to an interview question about his newfound power by saying "Hulk Smash", but somewhere along there I figured out something unnatural was happening. Don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when he's angry. I hate that everyone is making it out to be a racial thing, just because McGwire didn't catch as much flak for juicing. I have three answers to that. A) McGwire broke a lesser record than the one Dr. Bruce Banner is about to "Smash" B) McGwire's steroid use, albeit obvious, is not as well documented with substantiated proof C) Barry is an asshol. Pure and simple, Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds has given me hope in the mindless masses of America. Apparently we DO care if someone is an assole, no matter how good they are at something. You see Barry, you can still be a success while being an asshole, but much like a pitcher with an 85 mile per hour fastball, you HAD BETTER be perfect. Because if you are off just one bit, you will get your head caved in like....well......a baseball hit by the incredible Hulk. Except I mean that metaphorically, and only in the eyes of the media.

In other news of note, I am getting married this Saturday.

Ohhhh little kiddies......

Yeah, it's been a long ass time. But family health problems, a wedding and countless papers could not keep me from expressing my mindless dribble. Those of you who call me "friend" probably already know that it is almost time for my great transformation, from boy to man. That's right, my bachelor party. I expect everyone to be there, doing their best to slay the dragon of "Arfeo" using the sword of "alcohol" and the shield of "strippers". But I want to implore everyone to be honest in this endeavors. I went to a bachelor party in Vegas a few months back and as custom, some boys went MIA. Of course no one came back to the tribe honest enough to say "I gave the tranny a stinky pinky" or "Clay and I DV'd the old Italian bird". No, everyone had some convoluted story mixed with magic, tragedy and heroic triumph. "I am missing 6 hours and 900 dollars because I dropped my wallet and the stripper helped me find it". Suuuuuuuure Phil, that's what strippers do. They are the omnicaring, moral, sugarplum fairies of Las Vegas. So please gents, if you are brave enough to unsheathe your piece, and taint it with the essence of 35 year old mother of four, then be brave enough to own up to it. After all, we are all friends.

Important Constitutional Law

If anyone isn't familiar with Lawrence v. Texas, it is the monumental case in Texas where a man was caught cleaning his boyfriend's pipes, and the Supreme Court found that it should not be illegal. After all, what do we have, if not the right to shunt our fellow man's colon. I am really passionate about this case because it is a really slippery slope. If the state is allowed to tell us we can't assbang men, then what is to stop them from telling us we can't go number two with our women.....or animals. I really hope my professor calls on me and asks me what the rule of law is in this case and how it is different from Bowers v. Hardwick. That way I can say...."In Bowers, we were told that it is not ok to slip my buddy's yammies. But in Lawrence, the court told us that we have a constitutional right to precariously mount other guys, and follow that up by yanking on their backs." What I love about law is that it never fails to come to the correct conclusion.

It's not that I'm lazy Bob, It's that I just don't care

I'm struggling to stay awake in my PR class today. The hangover is starting to get to me. Is it Friday? No. It is Thursday, but Wednesday is the new Friday dont you know. So to me it feels like Saturday. I looke to my neighbor, she has typed another page of notes since class started. The sound of people typing their notes is like a mocking laugh to me now saying "youre the only loser that doesn't know what's going on." Everyone laughs at some joke that passes clean over my head. The neighbor has typed two pages worth of notes. I think my ball is trapped, again, in that slot in my underwear thats supposed to let me have easy access to bathroom utilities. Every second that my clock ticks off feels like slow motion. I couldn't possibly be more anxious to go back home and sleep. She has three pages now, and this is starting to get ridiculous. It's not that I'm lazy you see, it's that I just don't care. If I work twice as hard, Initech's stock goes up a quarter of a percent and I get nothing. I think my ball is finally free. Four pages. I just posted a high score on Tetris. Well at least no one can claim I accomplished nothing today.