Harold and Kumar Went to Law School

Musings

2007-04-11T13:08:00.000-07:00

Last night the Indians were forced to play their home-opener in Milwaukee due to snow. Thus, the Cleveland Indians of Milwaukee beat the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Somewhere, Babe Ruth is wishing there was enough coke in hell snort away the embarrassment.

I just used hot-coco powder in lieu of coffee creamer at work. Conservatively, I would have to rate this as one of the top 5 ideas any human has ever had, ever.

In sheer boredom, I have been attempting to hack together some screenplays. In order to learn how it is done as well as directorial jargon, I have been reading screenplays already made into movies. I have come to the conclusion that a slightly shriveled left scrotum can write a Hollywood screenplay. Read Snakes on a Plane, you'll see what I mean.

As an addendum to my comment earlier about the coco-powder- Carmen Electra, noted genital war magnate, has started the "Naked Models Wrestling League" This ranks several spots above my coco- idea.

I was brain storming band names earlier. I wanted something that showed some sort of ancient philosophical paradox or historical allusion. My wife came up with "Archimedes Screw". This is why I love her.

Lastly, ask yourself this hypothetical question. If you were gay, and you were attracted to me, why wouldn't you tell me, just freakin tell me.

Kwai Gonn Jinn needs toilet paper

2007-03-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Curious observations about women:

1. Women are so in to arts and crafts, they even feel the creative compulsion in the restroom. Notice how they make oven mits out of toilet paper by circling their hands with the material several hundred times. If you don't believe me, make note of how much TP is in your roll before the next time a girl uses your bathroom, and see how much is left afterwards. Men can generally make due with 4-8 sheets, women's usage has to be measured in inches of circumference taken off of the roll.

2. Some, not all women, but some are consumed with perceptions of cleanliness. Not actual cleanliness I must add, just the perception of it. If you've ever witnessed the following phenomenon, you will know what I mean: When women move out of their apartments, some will actually clean before the cleaning crew gets there, so that the cleaning crew doesn't perceive them to be messy. Strangely, if you actually saw what that person's apartment looked like before the obligatory final cleaning, it would look similar to your own, messy, man-room.

3. Single women, under the age of 23, are incapable of being happy for other women. When one actually achieves a working, functional relationship, her friends will stare at her from afar at social settings the way men stare at their friend who skipped out on the bachelor party to go to the ballet with their girlfriend. The conversation will go something like this....
Girl 1: "Wow, he's really sticking with her.....even though her face is a little...unfortunate"
Girl 2: "Yeah but good for her though, did you hear he bought her a necklace for valentines day?"
Girl 3: "My ex did that, I found out later it was so he didn't feel as bad for cheating on me"
Girl 2: "Wow, you don't think he's cheating on her do you"
All Collectively: (Internalized thought) "God I hope so"

4. Women are aggregately better at school than we are. This is no joke, they really are. Imagine how much concentration you had when you were 14, you were home alone, and you were trying to crank one out before anyone got home. Multiply that intense concentration level by 5, and you have some idea of how focused they can be at school. While you and I are dreaming of guitar lines, who the cowboys will draft next or what we just saw on the history channel, they are whipping our asses at the books. Why? Because there are only a finite number of purses in the world to purchase, so attention inevitably falls to something else. The danger here is that our society has evolved such that academic pursuits are the main source for eventual success in the world. This is why I support a nuclear winter. We need to take things back to ground zero, so that he who throws the rock the hardest eats the eight legged dog. Otherwise, we are all doomed to be oblitherated as the species' dominant gender.

Harold and Kumar working(well one of us)

2007-03-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

So I've found some interesting things about the working world. For example, I have to make the adjustment of knowing I'm talking to co-workers, and not friends who know and accept my dimensia. When someone asks me what my favorite color is, I can't reply "naked". This just weirds them out and furthers the rumor that I am Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. I should probably also stop calling Maggie on the speaker phone and saying things like "Maggie, it puts the lotion on its skin."
I also need to stop using the accents I keep thinking in my mind. My boss has never watched Family Guy, so he has no idea what the Stewie voice is or why I keep saying "yeahhh, thats the good stuff."
I also have to tell my friends to stop IMing me mid-day to tell me about their weekend whiskey-dick story. This is self explanatory.
Lastly, inside jokes must be curbed a bit. My friends and I play a game called "I would ______ in exchange for _______." The premise is to ask a person what they really want, then keep racheting up the price for said thing until they are forced to admit something incredibly embaressing. My favorite sofar has been a friend who admitted that in exchange for sex with Jessica Alba, he would go to an alternate dimension and rape himself. This of course begat the question "If you heard a knock on your door, and opened it to reveal your doppleganger holding a rope, would you acquiece gently, knowing what this was all about.
I love this game, but I have gone to the bathroom before only to come back and see one of these messages posted at the front of my screen. Sweet hell people, ask before you leave something like that.

...and we're back

2007-03-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

well......i'm back at least.....i'm sure harold will be in soon enough........anyway.....here's the update: went to law school.....still jobless......moving on........

let's talk about sanjaya......i don't watch american idol....never have.....never will......but i was reading an indian blog that i like and saw this video:

wow......hunger strike? that's not at all offensive......this lady's myspace page is filled up with a ton of hateposts and of course many people are saying that this is just spurring them on to vote for this guy even more.....i'll tell you what......i'm getting all my tech support relatives in the motherland on the phone immediately......LONG LIVE SANJAYA!!!

next topic.....horns lost today......that crushes me........nuff said

next topic.....does it ever bother you when the news reports the results of a scientific study that is so completely obvious......."we now turn to a stunning breakthrough from the scientific community.....researchers at genius university are reporting that eating fruits and vegetables may help you live longer while ingesting heroin could be hazardous to your health.....more on that at 11....now back to you dan".......the whole "more on that at 11" could be a whole separate post itself..........anyway..........this article states that students with myspace/facebook accounts have lower grades....WHAT? i thought my kid had that new dual climate control brain where one half of his consciousness could comfortably and diligently focus on algebra equations while the other half could scour the internet for clever semi-pornographic pictures and videos to impress the buddies with.........oh well.........also......apart from the whole there are only so many hours in a day argument........wouldn't you also think that in general, kids with better socializing skills would have lower grades.......or rather kids with poor social skills would have better grades?

anyway....that's enough for now....

Earth Shattering News, and other news of note

2006-03-10T01:06:00.000-08:00

Earth shattering news this weekend in the world of sports, Barry Bonds has been juicing it to beat the record. I didn't realize this before because I am both autistic and blind. I never saw him put on 60 lbs. In three days, and I actually thought it was possible to double your career best batting average.......when you were in your 40's! I hope you sense my sarcasm, because I've known all along. I don't know if it was the first time that he hit a ball and immediately crushed its atoms into a nuclear explosion, or when he replied to an interview question about his newfound power by saying "Hulk Smash", but somewhere along there I figured out something unnatural was happening. Don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when he's angry. I hate that everyone is making it out to be a racial thing, just because McGwire didn't catch as much flak for juicing. I have three answers to that. A) McGwire broke a lesser record than the one Dr. Bruce Banner is about to "Smash" B) McGwire's steroid use, albeit obvious, is not as well documented with substantiated proof C) Barry is an asshol. Pure and simple, Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds has given me hope in the mindless masses of America. Apparently we DO care if someone is an assole, no matter how good they are at something. You see Barry, you can still be a success while being an asshole, but much like a pitcher with an 85 mile per hour fastball, you HAD BETTER be perfect. Because if you are off just one bit, you will get your head caved in like....well......a baseball hit by the incredible Hulk. Except I mean that metaphorically, and only in the eyes of the media.

In other news of note, I am getting married this Saturday.

Ohhhh little kiddies......

2006-02-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's been a long ass time. But family health problems, a wedding and countless papers could not keep me from expressing my mindless dribble. Those of you who call me "friend" probably already know that it is almost time for my great transformation, from boy to man. That's right, my bachelor party. I expect everyone to be there, doing their best to slay the dragon of "Arfeo" using the sword of "alcohol" and the shield of "strippers". But I want to implore everyone to be honest in this endeavors. I went to a bachelor party in Vegas a few months back and as custom, some boys went MIA. Of course no one came back to the tribe honest enough to say "I gave the tranny a stinky pinky" or "Clay and I DV'd the old Italian bird". No, everyone had some convoluted story mixed with magic, tragedy and heroic triumph. "I am missing 6 hours and 900 dollars because I dropped my wallet and the stripper helped me find it". Suuuuuuuure Phil, that's what strippers do. They are the omnicaring, moral, sugarplum fairies of Las Vegas. So please gents, if you are brave enough to unsheathe your piece, and taint it with the essence of 35 year old mother of four, then be brave enough to own up to it. After all, we are all friends.

Important Constitutional Law

2005-11-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

If anyone isn't familiar with Lawrence v. Texas, it is the monumental case in Texas where a man was caught cleaning his boyfriend's pipes, and the Supreme Court found that it should not be illegal. After all, what do we have, if not the right to shunt our fellow man's colon. I am really passionate about this case because it is a really slippery slope. If the state is allowed to tell us we can't assbang men, then what is to stop them from telling us we can't go number two with our women.....or animals. I really hope my professor calls on me and asks me what the rule of law is in this case and how it is different from Bowers v. Hardwick. That way I can say...."In Bowers, we were told that it is not ok to slip my buddy's yammies. But in Lawrence, the court told us that we have a constitutional right to precariously mount other guys, and follow that up by yanking on their backs." What I love about law is that it never fails to come to the correct conclusion.

It's not that I'm lazy Bob, It's that I just don't care

2005-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling to stay awake in my PR class today. The hangover is starting to get to me. Is it Friday? No. It is Thursday, but Wednesday is the new Friday dont you know. So to me it feels like Saturday. I looke to my neighbor, she has typed another page of notes since class started. The sound of people typing their notes is like a mocking laugh to me now saying "youre the only loser that doesn't know what's going on." Everyone laughs at some joke that passes clean over my head. The neighbor has typed two pages worth of notes. I think my ball is trapped, again, in that slot in my underwear thats supposed to let me have easy access to bathroom utilities. Every second that my clock ticks off feels like slow motion. I couldn't possibly be more anxious to go back home and sleep. She has three pages now, and this is starting to get ridiculous. It's not that I'm lazy you see, it's that I just don't care. If I work twice as hard, Initech's stock goes up a quarter of a percent and I get nothing. I think my ball is finally free. Four pages. I just posted a high score on Tetris. Well at least no one can claim I accomplished nothing today.

Nothing to Lose

2005-11-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

Ohhhhhh it's been a long time kiddies. Daddy has been finding a new place for mommy and daddy to shack and much has happened that was blogworthy. Halloween was fun, if anyone has not seen the photographs of me dressed as Mr. Miyagi I will try to post them soon. Speaking of photographs, there were a lot of riske' photos taken at the annual law school orgy (halloween party). I overheard the comment "she's gonna eat more sausage tonight than Kobayashi", and I fear that may have been a supernaturally accurate prophesy. Good times for one and all kiddies.
Switching to a serious subject though, I have a proposal for the law school. At this point in my career, straight C- and straight A's would make absolutely no difference for my job prospects. I have nothing to lose or gain but wasted time and effort. I mean seriously, bottom half, bottom quarter, is there even a difference at this point? So I think the school should install a "3L phone it in" rule. Here, 3Ls can phone in the rest of their semester and receive automatic B-. Lets get the bean counters working on this one.

Does an upside down longhorn mean anything to a jayhawk?

2005-10-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

Seriously.....does it? Cause it sure means something to me. Ass clown. As I'm flipping past the OU-Kansas game, I see a cheesy, obviously set-up shot of 2 groups of fans yelling back and forth in the parking lot. One side is yelling "boomer sooner," the other is screaming something extremely witty and memorable about jayhawks. And they're getting into it.....and this side has grandma in her red and blue muu-muu, yelling her guts out..........and that side has little 6 month old tommy all dressed up in a crimson and cream onesie, with what looks like a little spitup dribbling down his face. The tv producer is wetting himself back in the RV, just thinking about how spontaneous and energy-filled this shot is going to look to the millions of americans at home watching.........the OU-Kansas game........on TBS. Of course, I grab the remote to record what could go down as the best fan-shouting match of all time..........at the 2005 OU-Kansas game..........on TBS.
And, of course......... I see some ass clown sooner shoving his grimy, pasty, toby-keith-lovin, hand towards the other side........in the form of...............wait for it.................an upside down longhorn! WOW!!!!! PURE GENIUS!!! Now, I'm no danged ole sooners expert, but seeing as our hand symbol is the longhorn, and they hate us, I'm thinking that the upside down longhorn symbolizes hatred for The Texas Longhorns. So basically, the non-verbal subtext of an upside down longhorn is "the longhorns fucking suck" or something to that effect........So this jackass sooner might as well have been standing there straight across from this group of jayhawk fans and been screaming "the longhorns fucking suck." (probably was......I had it on mute)..........Interesting way to demoralize your opponent, mr. sooner. Yell epithets concerning another completely different team! They'll never see it coming! Now, we can all learn from this genius sooner psychological mind game. We can all use it in our daily lives. Next time you get cut off on the highway by a member of a different race or gender, don't bother with the usual curses and swear words. Just roll down your window and yell at the top of your lungs "I FUCKING HATE HAMBURGERS WITH NO MUSTARD!!!" That'll show em.

MY GIRLFRIEND WILL BEAT YO ASS!

2005-10-13T02:36:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, W has nominated Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. What some of you may not know is that the “pit-bull in size 6 shoes” once roamed these hallowed grounds as a student. While the prospect of having an alum from SMU Law on the highest court in the land has the school foaming at the mouth at the possibility of being able to raise the cost of tuition with this increased “prestige”, you’ve got to admit that SMU doesn’t rise to the level of (oh I don’t know) Yale; Harvard; Blue-blood, smart-as-shit kids U, etc… I am reminded of my days as a much less tarnished fuck trophy (i.e. small child) sitting on the lap of my nanny Minnie Lee, may she rest in peace, (God I miss her pecan pies) watching Sesame Street. Ms. Miers is definitely the kid “doing their own thing”. But I digress. I am none the less excited at the possibility and believe this to be a fine law school. Not something though I really want to debate or defend. My girlfriend on the other hand, who we will call Boo (anonymity is overrated!), felt the need to call one her classmates (at another institution of higher learning) a “Jackass” this week after he questioned the academic reputation of her betrothed’s current weekday hangout…IN CLASS! While she isn’t physically imposing, she is most certainly wiry and not to be brushed aside as simply the 5’3”, blonde haired, blue eyed, sorority girl she is packaged as. While this never rose to a physical altercation I’m sure she would have been more than willing to dance had the music started playing. It has been said that if “you mess with the bull you get the horns”, well you mess with the Grandpa you get the Boo! Thanks for handling my light weight Boo.

A lone, prideful tear falls quietly to the ground.

I must stop drinking at 3 P.M.

2005-10-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

As many of you noticed, I managed to even misspell the title of my latest alcohol induced blog. You will have to forgive me, but whenever I am struck by the inspiration of sweet potato spirits, I cannot say no to my muse. "The Dude" would be proud of my recent obsession with white Russians, caused in no small part by the realization that I am once again in the mid-semester doldrums that I have made into a ritual. That time of the year when the novelty of "keeping up with reading" wears off and reruns of "Ed" seem like a better alternative to class, this always manages to put me several hundred pages behind in each class. I guess I should get back to work so I can catch up now........as soon as I finish swirling this sweet brown concoction over my palate.

So You're Saying I've Got a Change.....

2005-10-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is the 3 P.M. white Russian talking, but I have a plan that will benefit just about everyone involved, except for the general public that expects competent legal representation. No matter how poor the overall scores are, the top 70% pass the bar exam correct? I don't know if it is a requirement that a candidate graduate from an accredited law school, a law school at all, undergrad, highschool or middle school. But if the answer is no, then Houston, we have lift off. We all pitch in about a hundred dollars, and use the money to register "unlikely candidates" to take the bar exam. I'm mainly looking towards Oklahoma, with a high preference for non-English speakers. Learning disability is a plus, and all applicants must be under the age of 12. I don't know how many of these "creative candidates" it will take to ensure all of us are above the 30% line, but every little bit helps. Of course, this entire plan is predicated upon the notion that I can outscore a blind, Spanish speaking 12 year old Oklahoman......Damn, I need to think of a better plan.

Lets not kid ourselves

2005-10-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize how extraordinarily deluded our hypothetical questions are in class. We are asked about what we would do if our multimillion dollar client asked our prestigious lawfirm to certify a fraudulent press release. We are asked further, what would we do if that client's actions would be detrimental to another multimillion dollar client. Lets not kid ourselves, I would kick my own crotch to have that "problem" some day. This is probably more along the lines of what we would have to endure: My court appointed homeless client has urinated himself in the janitor's closet that I call an office, and has stolen a sandwich from my other client. Client #2 is also a court appointed indigent, and he has a hankering for that two day old sandwich he thought he had earlier. How do we handle the theft of said sandwich from one client to the other, and what do we have to disclose to client #2 about client #1's indiscretions.

You Can't Be Hindi, You Ass

2005-10-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

My name is indeed Cyrus and I am not hindi, hindu, or wilder valderama. what i am is a zoroastrian. more on that later. more importantly what i also am is sick and tired of harold's ridiculous ims at 2 in the morning while i'm trying to do my "lawschool reading"

SIDEBAR HERE: from reading this blog you will soon see that "doing my lawschool reading" is actually code for something else....what is that something else? it changes day to day, moment to moment........it can be almost anything.....as long as its not really lawschool reading......por ejemplo.........harold ims me (at 2 in the morning) and says "what you doing?"; i respond "oh just reading for class tomorrow. i'm so fucked cause i'm like 300 pages behind in my 'constitutions of the indiginous people of asia' class'" {{SIDEBAR WITHIN A SIDEBAR HERE: anytime we make any kind of racial jokes that are in extremely poor taste (will be often), we will be substituting the word asian/filipino/indian instead of what we really mean. that way we escape pesky things like multimillion dollar defamation claims (at least i think we'll escape liability.......eh....who am i kidding.....i have no clue whether we will or won't......harold you wanna take a stab at this law school question?}} and of course what i'm really doing is sitting on my ass watching infomercials about food dehyrators, butt shrinkers, and of course the ubiquitous ggw
anyway.......so i'm trying to do my "law school reading" and harold ims with some inane hour long story that has nothing to do with anything......kinda like this post.............long story short.....now instead of iming me at 2 in the morning.....he can post it on the internet and spread the love for all our adoring fans

Harold and Kumar Go to Law School

2005-10-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

My name is Arfeo, and I'm a foul mouthed foreign kid who can't decide what he regrets more, going to law school or staying in law school. Cyrus is an over-worried hindi gentleman who secretly likes law school although he would have you believe that he doesn't. We are indeed Harold and Kumar at Law School, except the only real punchline will come when we compare our starting salaries to the loan payments we will owe. We will have more than just rantings about law school, so please join us as we take our journey through the mystical magic filled world of mundane reality.